idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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