Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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