I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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