I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
