im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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