we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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