Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
