He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
