I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
