Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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