I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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