Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
