I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
