On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i barfeds in our rink
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Even my vagina gasped.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
