Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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