i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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