Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
