Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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