1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
