i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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