Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
