Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Randomize
