so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
