yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
