I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
