So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
