it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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