yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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