My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
why do cheetos always look like penises
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
