Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
