I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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