This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
