I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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