my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Randomize
