I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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