I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
