when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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