You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
