I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
