he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
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