dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
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