i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
