anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Holy shit dude........stairs
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
