i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
