I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
