sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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