At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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