My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
