see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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