I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
